Nine Considerations for First Time Grandparents

I know I’m biased, but I think that my kids have the best grandparents in the world. Not to be cheesy, but I’ve seen first hand how they really do put the “grand” in grandparent.

So consider this list from someone who has very young kids and has seen first time grandparents recently, up close in the wild. These nine considerations are just observations put together from what I’ve seen my parents and in-laws do well, horror stories that I’ve heard from my friends about their parents and in-laws, and some more general research. I hope it helps and gets grandparents (and parents) thinking about what good inter-generational communication looks like.

1. Be supportive of your kids timeline.

One of the best ways for your adult child to put up walls that separate you from other areas of their life is to constantly ask about when they are going to give you grandchildren. It’s more than a conversation stopper at the dinner table; it’s a whole-relationship barricade. Instead, follow David’s conversation cues in Psalm 31:14-15: “But I trust in you, O LORD, I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand.”

Your times, your kids times, and should the Lord provide, the times of your future grandchildren are in His hand.

2. Let your adult children make the announcement to your family and friends.

Those two pink lines and that first sonogram are two of the best gifts your adult kids will ever receive. Give them the joy of telling people first.

3. Avoid the name game.

Sorry Juliet, but there is actually quite a lot in a name. A name can be a memory of someone who has passed, honor someone who is still living, carry on a family name or maybe even give a hope or aspiration for the child. There can be a lot of pressure that goes into naming a child so a good play for the grandparents is to simply be supportive of what their adult children are leaning toward.

4. Accept the fact that they are going to do things differently than you would or did.

Yes, the organic, gluten-free, cardboard that your adult children feed your grandchildren is weird. In a few years, they will probably think it’s weird too and you can all laugh about it. For now, what your adult children need most is your love and affirmation. Do your grandkids seem healthy, happy and alive? Awesome! Tell your adult kids they are doing a good job and accept that “different” doesn’t equal “wrong.”

5. Offer assistance, and then be patient until called upon.

The spirit of this one is similar to number 1. Offering your assistance is not just a matter of providing information because the way you offer that assistance will often determine how much your adult kids come back to you for it.

Quick brag on my mom and mother-in-law: they are deep wells rather than fire hydrants. My wife and I see them as the place where we can constantly draw the good water of experience and sound advice. We don’t get sprayed by a fire hydrant and that keeps us coming back for assistance and advice.

6. Make an effort to get to know the other set of grandparents.

Sex, money and in-laws. No, that is not a lost Motley Crue album; that is sessions 4, 5 and 6 of premarital counseling. When we’re doing pre-marital counseling, these are the big three potential problem areas we focus on. Grandparents can relieve stress and make life a lot easier on their adult children when they make an effort to get to know their grand in-laws. Plus, think of the vacations!

7. Reign it in with the big purchases at first.

Let me say first, I love the excitement of grandparents. I love it when they lavish gifts on my grandkids. However, you may want to have a conversation with your adult children first when it comes to expectations for two reasons:

One, your adult children are trying to raise responsible, measured human beings and not spoiled monsters.

Two, and this is just real talk, not always but sometimes your adult children (especially your sons) can be a bit insecure about their own financial ability to provide all that their kids want. Your Baby Boomer/Gen X income has no such limitations.

So have the expectations conversation with your adult children, lay low for a little bit, and then when your adult children have had too many late nights and are too tired to care about their unrealistic parenting goals anymore…go crazy!

8. Build up your adult children’s confidence by affirming their ability to be good parents.

See number 4. Young parents have absolutely no idea what they are doing so the one thing they need to hear from you is that they are doing a good job. One positive word of affirmation from you can be just the amount of wind in their sails that they need to keep going.

9. Don’t stop praying

Pray for your kids. Pray for your grandkids. Pray for the other grandparents. Pray for yourself. More than even the village it takes to raise a child, it takes an all out assault of heaven, besieging the throne of grace with boldness for God’s blessing on the next generation. As David prayed in the latter part his life as a grandparent: Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God,, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. (Psalm 71:18) Never underestimate the power of a praying grandparent!

For another list like this one, check out The Nanas and the Papas by Kathryn and Alan Zullo